I submitted my two-year MA project, a collection of poems and a reflective essay, last week. As I saw these 3-bound copies of my brainchildren being shipped away, I thought that this should bring me a lot of relieve. However, it was an anti-climatic moment and these are the reasons:
1-You think you are not ready even when you ARE ready.
I went through the project word by word. I sent it to some good friends, and they went through it word by word. I made sure my husband and I edited and refined it as best as we could. But when I looked at the final product, I thought it wasn’t ready or maybe I wasn’t ready to let it go. Sending the project means that I won’t get change anything anymore and that’s very scary.
2-You think it’s a pile of mediocre nonsense that sounded me better in your head.
The poems that I submitted were written over the course of the past two years. And while writing these poems, I felt that some were fine pieces.However, when I got the collection together, I couldn’t help myself not to think that it’s all just mediocre pieces of poetry. But for now I can’t do anything about it, and this adds to the anxiety.
3-You can’t stand to look at it without shuddering. I cringe at the thought of reading any of my submitted work, as I am really scared of finding any mistakes. I get butterflies in my stomach feeling every time I think of the changes I made in the last few days.
4- You feel bad about feeling bad. There are more important things in life and being consumed by your creative woes isn’t one of them.
5-You wait anxiously for the results. You get anxious about what follows.
Receiving the results will mark the real triumph or the miserable failure, but till then one has to figure out what to do. And this makes you wonder should you start looking for a job, or plan your next academic adventure or even take some time off. You wonder if you will continue writing. You wonder how well you’d do without your tutor guiding you. You wonder if you’ll get better or you’ll keep receiving these nasty rejection letters. You just do a lot of anxious wondering.