The interviewer thought that the frank answer was a herald of a long conversation that will result with some relief. However, she wasn’t feeling the same. She was thinking of the next question. She promised herself to answer. She promised herself to sincerely answer. She promised herself that she’d seek answers. She owes it to herself.
“Talk to me about motherhood..” the interviewer calmly said.
Her eyes opened wide like a window giving birth to strong light. She knew that this question was coming, but she also knew that she didn’t have an answer or she’s still doesn’t have a clear answer.
She took a deep breath that lasted long enough to reel back all the memories of her being a mother. She gave the interviewer a half-faced look, and said “do you want an answer, or you want poetry?!”
The interviewer said:” I want you to give me an answer that if you say it to others, they’ll judge you…”
She chocked a smile and said:” I don’t know what I think about motherhood, but I know that too much is expected from me…”
“I’m expected to trade my feelings for being a holy creature whose under feet there’s a heaven while I can only feel that under my feet there are toys, vomiting, and little hands clutching me”
“I’m expected to sacrifice my freedom to nurture someone’s else life with love and freedom…”
“Sometimes I wake up not wanting to sacrifice anything, not wanting to nurture anything. I just want to have some tea on the couch and enjoy some silence. And when I feel this way, guilt eats me up. And I feel inadequate not just to be a mother but a human being…”
“I don’t know…”
“I know that I love my kids, I know that I would anything to protect them and be there for them…”
“But…” the interviewer interrupted.
“But sometimes I wish I can just figure out who am I without shouldering this great responsibility…”
“guess that’s what motherhood is…”
“unconditioned sacrifice, responsibility, and patience, and those feelings are rarely done without a pinch exhaustion, frustration, doubt even boredom…”
“but these “negative” feelings are still outweighed by unconditioned sacrifice, responsibility, and patience…and love…”
“Everyday is like being on an uncharted island. You want to discover things to survive. But sometimes you step on some field on cactus and you get pricked. Sometimes, you find yourself in oasis where you find water and dates and feel just fine…”
The interviewer looked at her and said:” now that’s poetry.”
She chuckled and said:” and not good one”