5 Post MA Thoughts

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I submitted my two-year MA project, a collection of poems and a reflective essay, last week. As I saw these 3-bound copies of my brainchildren being shipped away, I thought that this should bring me a lot of relieve. However, it was an anti-climatic moment and these are the reasons:

1-You think you are not ready even when you ARE ready.
I went through the project word by word. I sent it to some good friends, and they went through it word by word. I made sure my husband and I edited and refined it as best as we could. But when I looked at the final product, I thought it wasn’t ready or maybe I wasn’t ready to let it go. Sending the project means that I won’t get change anything anymore and that’s very scary.

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 2-You think it’s a pile of mediocre nonsense that sounded me better in your head.
The poems that I submitted were written over the course of the past two years. And while writing these poems, I felt that some were fine pieces.However, when I got the collection together, I couldn’t help myself not to think that it’s all just mediocre pieces of poetry. But for now I can’t do anything about it, and this adds to the anxiety.index

 3-You can’t stand to look at it without shuddering. I cringe at the thought of reading any of my submitted work, as I am really scared of finding any mistakes. I get butterflies in my stomach feeling every time I think of the changes I made in the last few days.

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 4- You feel bad about feeling bad. There are more important things in life and being consumed by your creative woes isn’t one of them.index.gif

 5-You wait anxiously for the results. You get anxious about what follows.
Receiving the results will mark the real triumph or the miserable failure, but till then one has to figure out what to do. And this makes you wonder should you start looking for a job, or plan your next academic adventure or even take some time off. You wonder if you will continue writing. You wonder how well you’d do without your tutor guiding you. You wonder if you’ll get better or you’ll keep receiving these nasty rejection letters. You just do a lot of anxious wondering.

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The Broken Jars

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She plans her protest
tucks a handkerchief in her satchel
she writes slogans and fold them like flags
she wears that dappled jeans shirt
she never liked and will never again
she checks on her voice;
the one she’s been storing it in a jar

she makes sure no one suspects anything
mother worries too much; forgot her voice in the jar
father sides with gargoyles, till he became one
brother thinks only men go to square and become martyrs
sister thinks it’s not too late to find a husband

 she closes the door behind her
knowing her jaw might get broken
by men like her father and brother
her bones might sleep in a dirty cell
guarded by women like sister and mother

 she broke the jar and let her voice out
echoing across every square
her the sound of other jars
breaking.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gluten Free Manaeesh

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This is the video of a poem I performed last November for Words And Strings event here in Doha, Qatar.
This is the second time I perform at a poetry event. I am overcoming the anxiety of performing in front of audience. I hope next performance will be better.

I’m a Poetry Writer

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I am a poetry writer. I find it very difficult to say that I am a poet. After all I’ve never published a collection of poems. My poems haven’t appeared in famous poetry magazines or websites. The word poet for me is like buying your child size 5 while they are still 3. They will grow into it.

I am a poetry writer. I’m currently writing poems for my assignments. But I wrote my first poem in 2003 and since then I have not stopped. I’m not planning on stopping. When the deadlines stop, I hope I will still sit and write, or try to write.

I am a poetry writer. Sometimes I feel like I arrived to the party late. All the guests have left, all the food was served, and all the decorations were removed. They say that poetry is dead art. And sometimes it does feel frustrating that of all writings, I write the least popular, the least prestigious, and the least profitable. I sometimes do wish I wrote computer programs instead. But then I come to read a poem by Naomi Shihab Nye or watch Suheir Hammad performing one of her poems. I feel that something so powerful, poignant, and so moving can’t be dead. It fills me with this urge to write and write more, to think of what magic tricks words could perform, what messages it could deliver. I know that writing poetry probably won’t take me places. It is not the next big thing for me. But I know it’s THE thing for me.

I am a poetry writer. Sometimes I feel that I wasn’t even invited to the party, but I crashed it anyway. English isn’t my first language. My mother tongue is Arabic.
But my poems chose their own, English. I have loved English since I was 10. I learned it through English songs. Maybe that’s why my poems are in English. But this makes me want to place emphasis that my poems are in English, but they aren’t English. They are everything that I am; Muslim, Palestinian woman of color. This may make people take my poetry less seriously. But I have no interest writing poems like Wordsworth or even T.S Eliot. My poems are like my fingerprints. They distinguish me. They define me.

I am a poetry writer.
And I will keep writing poems; Crappy ones, mediocre ones, excellent ones.
I will probably keep writing poems that will be only published on my personal Facebook page.
I will probably keep writing poems that I only read and like.
I will probably keep writing poems that make me feel that I never want to write again.
I will probably keep writing poems just  for the sake of it.

 

 

 

A Mother and A Student

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Once you have your kid your priorities do change. But your ambitions don’t. Pregnant and mother students at university days were common to see. And to my then-ignorant mind, I would wonder why would she bother to bring her baby to the lecture? Why would she continue her studies if her children take most of her time? Like I said I was VERY ignorant and stupid. Now that I am student and a mother I understand that society tells you that you either have this or that. But with support you do both and you should have the choice to choose one or both.

I thought of writing this post, because many think that women study to fill time till they get married or have children. While I had my child after I finished my bachelor degree, part of me have always wanted to study further. Having a child changed how I could do it, but haven’t prevented me from doing it.
At first, I didn’t know what I wanted to study. But once I figured it out, I started looking for options. Master’s in Creative Writing isn’t available in Qatar, and I couldn’t travel to enroll in universities abroad. Luckily I found university that offered Creative Writing degree via correspondence. And it has been very fulfilling.

If you are a mother and a student, here’s some stuff I learned from my ongoing experience:

1-Your ambition if not fulfilled will affect your happiness and that will make you an unhappy mother: the first year I had my daughter I was very confused where I fit in my life as a mother. I loved the idea that I was a mother, but it was taking all of my time. This made me ask the question: “without motherhood, what am I?” I know some people would say being a mother is enough. And it could be true.
However, this wasn’t the case for me. I have always wanted to study further. And I have always loved writing poems. I am still seeking to define myself outside the motherhood cloak. Studying gives me a deep sense of fulfillment. It makes me feel better about myself and this reflects on my parenting.

2-Brace yourself, it’s challenging: parenting on it’s  own is very challenging and sometimes very stressful.
When I started my degree, my daughter was less than two years old. That meant that during the day I couldn’t get any reading or writing done. My options were few: waking up early, staying up late or just waiting till the weekend to go to the library.
Being a student and a mother make you look for ways to find time to do your work. Sometimes you fail miserably. Sometime you feel too tired to be up at night or too sleepy to wake up early. I only started having more time when my daughter started going to the nursery when she became 2 and half. But I can guarantee you that the time you spend studying could be like going to spa. The pressure to get things done doesn’t make you procrastinate or slack. There’s more discipline and more seriousness in your pursuit.

3-You do it for yourself and for your family: apart from continuing your studies because you want to (which is great), you do it for your family.
The work market is a fierce and merciless place. If you aren’t well equipped, it will be difficult to find a job. Unfortunately, as a stay-home mom, when they look at your CV; they will see all the years you haven’t been working. They won’t see that you were nourishing and taking care of another human life.
So in that time that you don’t participate in the work-market, you are building your CV and achieving a dream. One can never predict the future; investing in one’s future and education is good planning.

4-You choose: bachelor degree is often considered the thing we do after school. But MA is the thing you do, because you want to. It’s important to remember that it doesn’t matter when you choose to go back to studying. Whether one year into motherhood or after all of your kids moved on with their lives, what really matters is that you choose to do it when you feel you are ready.

 5-Don’t listen to the naysayers: you will hear people undermining your effort by saying, “what’s the point?” or worse “it’s a waste of money”.
It’s sad that to some, education is just a pastime. You should rather surround yourself with people who will give you their support and encouragement. One of the best moments I shared with my husband is the moment I knew I was accepted in the program.

If you are already a mother and student, good luck and keep your chin up.
If you are thinking about it, go for it sis!
If you have already done it, congrats, you inspire us! (and send me some advice).

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On Poetry and Social Media

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I don’t claim to be an experienced poet or an expert on poetry. These are observations that I’ve come to realize since I am excited about poetry and I do use social media to promote my poems.

1-Poetry always finds a way: let’s talk about poetry journals, magazines and books. They are those far and formidable fortresses that reject most of commoners, unseasoned poets. Rejection letter after another, poets start searching for an alternative to share their work. And social media, particularly Instagram, has offered this outlet. And it’s not only accessible, it’s also popular and innovative. So poets using social media hardly come as surprise.

2-Social media is changing the form of poetry and its length. And it’s not a bad thing. William Wordsworth would be delighted that in the age of social media his daffodils are on Youtube. Fast pace life requires fast pace poems. Shorter and more poignant poems. And in the age of 140 digits, 1080px photo as a poet you have to accommodate your poems. #Instapoem, #poetrygram are a real thing now. And it’s proven that it has an audience.

3- Poetry is a craft. And that’s what poets on Instagram often forget. While it’s true that social media is game changer for poetry and poets, it’s crucial to remember that poetry is something you learn. It’s a science. You learn its different terminology, its theories, and its craft. Poets are born, but you still need to learn its ins and outs to write better. And believe me, it’s not an easy thing.

4-Don’t mistake diaries for poems. While dairies can be poems in the making, they aren’t poems. And motivational, emotional, and inner thoughts that operate within abstractions fall short to be full-fledged poems. An advice to fellow poets read Ezra Pounds essay on poetry. And start from there.

5-Find a middle ground: people shy away from poetry thinking it has to be perplexing labyrinth of language and thought only understood by the elites . And some people, thanks to some very simplistic shallow poems found on Instagram, think that social media has ruined poetry. It doesn’t have to be this way though. One has to study poetry ,no doubt. Social media isn’t an excuse for mediocre poems. But also one shouldn’t give up writing poetry , because poetry journals are some exclusive clubs.

If you are a poet and write good poetry and read good poetry, you shouldn’t hold it back. But don’t compromise quality because you want to be a popular Instagram poet. And don’t despair because poetry journals are rejecting your poems. Write for yourself first and foremost. And have lots of coffee and self-doubt.

And by the way I have started my own Instagram account where I share my poems Poeticalaspirations

While Reading This Poem

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I’ve never intended to let my voice
crackle with sultry tears
while reading this poem
but a mother kissing
the forehead of her dead child
took over my chimes

I’ve never intended to sound
like laboring lava
while reading this poem
but a soldier’s strip-search and spits

a cop’s stop and frisk
made me erupt

I’ve never intended to close
my eyes and lose breath
while reading this poem

but my boat is sinking
washing me ashore, face down in sand

I’ve never intended to write this poem